


Troubled by the Emptiness

by darknesscrochets



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, Introspection, Not Beta Read, Scene Study, Spoilers for S4, spoilers for RQG 174
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:42:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27014482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darknesscrochets/pseuds/darknesscrochets
Summary: Four perspectives after theVengeancecrashes. Everyone processes tragedy differently.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 28





	Troubled by the Emptiness

**Author's Note:**

> again, major spoilers for 174. this is just sad folks im not gonna lie.
> 
> title from “Youth” by I See Stars

The world--stutters when Zolf sees him. Sees Wilde. Lying there.

Dead.

He doesn’t even have to get close. No one can be alive with their spine at that angle, steel through-and-through; not even Wilde, who pops up unexpectedly at the best of times. Wilde, who survived the infection, the Meritocracy, betrayal left and right--

Zolf cuts off his thoughts there. He needs to be Earhart’s second, needs to be a leader. He can’t do that if he’s spiraling the way he did in Paris and Prague. 

For now, he takes his pain, his anguish, his rage, and shoves them into the back of his mind with his grief for Feryn and Sasha and everyone else he lost too soon.

He’s fine. He can do this. He’ll grieve later, when they’re all safe.

That's what he tells himself _._ He almost, _almost_ breaks, talking to Cel. Resurrection isn't--it isn't something he can _do_ , not right now. (He wonders, for a moment, whether he'd be able to if he'd stuck with Poseidon. He doesn't think so. Poseidon never helped him when he truly needed it.)

No, Zolf relies on himself now. And today, he wasn't enough. 

* * *

Sassraa and Meerk are dead. 

Hamid stops digging them out of the snow. Everything is still, for a moment. As though the tundra itself holds its breath, just for a second, to give him time to process.

Then the world rushes back in. Groans, sighs, confused mumbles, and under it all the wash of healing energy from his friends.

It does nothing for the dead kobolds in front of him. Sassraa’s eyes do not blink open. Meerk does not start to snore, as if asleep.

Sassraa. And Meerk. Are dead.

Hamid screams. 

He screams and screams and _screams_. The fire is everything and nothing. All of his feelings, visible for a moment, still roiling inside him the next.

He can’t hurt his friends more in his grief. He runs.

* * *

In the first few moments after the crash, Azu doesn’t have time to scream or cry or go numb. She is hurt, but she can see others, much worse off than she is. Hamid points her towards those most in need, and…

The Temple of Aphrodite is thorough, in its seminary teachings. They cover how far healing can go, and what it cannot help.

Azu could not help Sasha--no one could, without the Heart of Aphrodite. She cannot help Carter, nor Sassraa, nor Wilde or Meerk. But she can heal others. Provide comfort to those stricken with grief. 

The Temple teaches about resurrection discreetly, away from the prying eyes of the Meritocracy. Azu knows that it is possible, the same way she knows, deep in her heart, that it is not within her power to achieve. If she had just dedicated herself to Aphrodite a different way, been more steadfast, more faithful, despite all the horror and loss she’s seen--maybe it would have been.

Down that road lies doubt, and a deeper, older grief, the feeling of a hand slipping from hers. But the hand she held belongs to someone now long gone, and everyone here needs her now. Hamid needs her.

Azu follows her friend into the trees.

* * *

“No… no, not again.” _Not again, not again, not again._

It echoes through Cel’s mind as they see the debris--the _bodies_ strewn around the crash site. For a moment, they see other bodies. A different crash. Fire, licking at their heels. A shake of the head clears their vision.

They don’t have time to break down right now. Cel has lived through enough tragedies--caused enough of them--that they know how this works. Heal who you can get to in time, bury or burn who you can’t--they don't know anything about kobold customs around death, how are they going to--no. No, get back on track. Panic, crying, despair--it all happens later.

People need help. The crew had _faith_ in them, and now. Now everyone needs them, _Zolf_ needs them to put the ship back together. (How he can trust them, after all this--it doesn’t matter.) Cel knows, _knows_ that they can’t break down now. They can’t stop moving, or everything will hit them at once.

It almost does, when they talk to Zolf. They had to drive the _Vengeance_ through the aurora a second time because of Cel’s failures. Zolf says it’s not their fault, not _anyone’s_ fault, but… 

Every time, _every time_ something like this happens, Cel feels another part of their soul shatter, even as they learn from their mistakes. As they promise that they’ll do better next time. 

Next time. Always next time. They’ve failed their companions so many times, and _gods._ What they won’t give to get to fix _this_ time, just this once.

**Author's Note:**

> just this once 🙃
> 
> @ rqg cast meet me behind the british equivalent of a dennys i have some emotions to return. unfortunately they will not do that, so this was the processing of emotions instead.
> 
> apologies for any inconsistencies, i cannot relisten to the first half of the episode right now. please take care of yourselves <3


End file.
